Shattered Lives
by delicatealien
Summary: Hermione Granger stopped eating. Contains graphic material relating to eating disorders, self harm and suicide. Do not read if you are triggered by any of these things.
1. Chapter 1

She never meant to stop eating. It was gradual, it took time. That's what most people don't understand, it took months to get where she was. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to stop letting food pass her lips.

It started with sweets. Her parents were dentists, it wasn't hard. She spent a month of her summer holiday working as a receptionist at her parents' clinic. She explained her disinterest in sugary foods by saying she was horrified by the state of some people's teeth. One thing she didn't give up was Coke, it gave a sweet kick, enough to make her last. One can would spare her a day of lollies.

Weeks later, she had only lost one kilogram. She couldn't explain it. She thought she had eaten a lot less. She made a point of writing everything she ate down. After a week of no change, Hermione went to the library. She branched out into the nutrition section and read about calories. The only food item she had with her was her bottle of Coke. She spun it around, grasping at the bottle. 288 calories. She had two Cokes per day. Disgusted with herself, Hermione swept it into the bin. She would drink diet from now on.

A few days later, Hermione began running. She couldn't go far, a few blocks at most. By that point she was gasping for air. She began doing exercise at night, 200 jumping jacks, 100 crunches, 50 squats. Each day she added more until her routine took her over an hour. She lost two kgs. She wanted more.

Instead of poking around in the classics or fiction sections at the library, she moved into the psychology section. She found the DSM, a book about diagnosing disorders. She sipped on her Diet Coke and flipped to the anorexia section of her book. It was basically a hand book. It described behaviours typical of an anorexic person. Hermione knew she wasn't one of them, she was too fat. That didn't mean she couldn't at least borrow their techniques.

Chewing and spitting was more appealing than bingeing and purging. She feigned a cough for several days. Instead of phlegm, her napkins filled with chewed food. Eventually she had to move on, her parents were wanting her to go to the doctor. She would spit as much as she could without arousing suspicion. It took several tries to purge, she couldn't do it. Eventually she managed it, then avoided it for a few weeks. it was awful.

Before she went back to Hogwarts she had lost eleven kilograms. Once 62 kgs, she now weighed a mere 51 kgs. It wasn't enough.


	2. Chapter 2

It was easier at school. At home the attention was two to one, whereas at school, there were very few professors compared to a large number of children. On top of that, Umbridge was preventing the school from functioning as usual. Everyone was focused on her. She kept to herself a lot, Ron assumed it was because she missed Viktor, Harry was preoccupied with his own problems.

Lavender had commented on how skinny she had gotten. "How did you do it?"

She wanted to stay by starving and vomiting and overexercise.

"Eating healthy and exercising."

No one else really noticed. She was losing energy quickly. Avoiding meals was easy, there was always homework that needed doing. If it was unavoidable she would storm off in a fit, after instigating a fight with Ron. It wasn't hard. It didn't seem unusual to anyone that their fights were so frequent.

When they went to Hogsmeade she would pick up a parcel delivered for her. Diet pills. They made her hunger vanish for a few short hours. She would still feel her stomach rumbling, but had no desire to fill it. She was down to 48 kgs now.

It was hard to get exercise in at Hogwarts. She didn't count the excessive amount of stairs she had to climb just to get to class. She did that while she was fat. Every morning she would walk around The Great Lake at least twice. Sometimes she needed to sit for a few minutes to catch her breath. She couldn't run anymore.

One Sunday morning, having missed breakfast, Hermione was in need of something to eat. She had run out of diet pills, she could feel her appetite creeping back. At 46 kgs she could afford to eat an apple, but only if she walked a few miles extra. That was when she binged. The elves kept bringing her food. Plates of eclairs, cake, biscuits, brownies, pancakes. Anything they offered, she ate.

Then she realised what she had done. She ran to the nearest toilet, forgetting to say thank you. It came up without even trying. Weeks of starving had shrunk her stomach to the size of a child's fist, her body couldn't take it. That's when she found the joy of self harm. She punched her thighs until they were numb. When she stood, she fell back down again. It felt good.

The next day she couldn't walk very well. Shaky legs took her to the showers. In her own cubical, she found solace in cutting. She used her potions knife, heating it with her wand first to destroy any germs. She scoped a chuck from her thigh, wishing she could remove the fat from every square inch of her disgusting body.

It wasn't hard to clean up, she muttered an incantation to cleanse and heal the wound. It left a large dent, a scar. She didn't care, her body was disgusting anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

After a particularly bad fight with Ron, Hermione found herself in the charms corridor. She wanted to hurt herself, but her fists were proving too weak. She had stopped healing her wounds weeks ago, the punches just pulled them apart. The last thing she ate was black coffee.

That was when she held the tip of her wand to her wrist and let the fire burn her flesh. It bubbled and smoked, giving her much needed relief. She partially healed it, she wanted the sting, not the mess associated. Just then Professor Snape swept past, not even looking at her, huddled under the window. She was invisible, unworthy of attention. She deserved everything she put herself through.

Under her bed was a pile of food. It was unhygienic, and if it weren't for the static charm she had placed on it, would have rotted and stunk out the whole room. She was rotten. Once so sweet, the preservatives had melted away, breaking through her very core. The molten outer was still intact, she could pretend for a while longer.

She fainted in the shower. The hot water was too much for her tiny body, now 44 kgs. Having it colder would leave her shaking, so she resorted to sitting on the floor and letting the water cascade down her spine. It was stupid how easy this was.

"We're worried about you."

"You haven't eaten much."

"You're tiny."

"How did you do it?"

Her friends and classmates were growing concerned, as was Hermione's body. She wouldn't hold up much longer, but she didn't mind. The rot was eating through her skin. Her nails were yellow, her hair falling out and breaking. Joints would click every time she moved, and her breath always smelt disgusting, no matter how much toothpaste she used. Eventually she stopped using it because of the calories, and instead used a cleansing charm on her mouth.

Magic was fading from her body at an alarming rate. She was in Transfiguration when for the first time, her hedgehog would not turn into a pincushion. Professor McGonagall frowned and after observing Hermione's sickly skin and tired eyes, advised her to sleep and eat.

If only it was that easy.


	4. Chapter 4

Night after night she laid awake. The pain in her stomach prevented her from sleeping some nights. Other times she would sleep for 14 hours, from the end of her classes one day to the beginning of classes the next. Her body rejected anything she tried to eat, even pepper up potions were coming back up.

It was in potions when it happened. The fumes got to her head, and she passed out. She woke up in the hospital wing, hearing mutters over her head.

"I suspected something.."

"Her grades have been dropping."

"...Skipped class a few times last week."

"She's smaller than my eight year old niece."

"...How didn't we notice this sooner?"

How didn't they notice? She was overworked as usual, high strung as usual. The only thing that changed was her body, and with thousands of children passing through their care daily, why would they notice something so insignificant? It was then Hermione decided to wake up.

"You weigh 39 kgs Miss Granger."

"You will not be attending class for a while."

"Your friends can visit you for five minutes each."

"You will eat every meal."

"Nourishing potions will be given to you."

Their faces and voices merged together as one, revealing the devil. The devil taunted her, mocked her, but she didn't scream, didn't utter a word. Not until a harsh voice brought her back to reality. "Are you even listening, Miss Granger?"

Professor Snape. Of course. She relished the fact that he still expected something of her, she was just like she ever was, a nuisance. Nothing would ever change. No matter how small she got, or how marred her flesh became, she would always be the annoying little know-it-all.

"No, I'm not listening."

With that her head hit the pillow, and everything went dark once again. She felt herself being lifted, not her whole body, only her innards. She could see the whole scene, her friends outside consoling each other, the healer working on her body being shoved aside by Professor McGonagall. Why they were trying to save her disgusting body, she had no idea.

With a yank at the navel she was back in the darkness.


	5. Chapter 5

"We thought we lost you."

"Hermione, I'm so sorry..."

"...We didn't help."

"We don't know how."

"We love you very much..."

Her friends faces formed the devil. She broke her vow of silence, a wide grinning crossing her face. She laughed manically, even the devil look startled.

Madam Pomfrey administered a sedative, and before she went under she felt each of her friends kiss her forehead. She decided it would be the last human touch she felt.

She awoke late a night, left alone in the ward. What a stupid idea. She went to the potions cabinet, holding furniture for support as she went. When her hand finally hit the handle an alarm sounded, and Madam Pomfrey dragged her back to bed.

Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape joined her.

"The sedative is not enough."

"How is she fight this? Her body is so weak."

"She doesn't want to live."

"Severus, can you make something stronger?"

"I can't fix a broken mind with potions. She's a goner."

It took a few more days before she was left alone again. Three, to be exact. They shaved her hair as it was too wild to maintain in her state. A first year had left the ward open to the rest of the castle, and in the dead of the night, Hermione escaped. Harry and Ron just happened to be on a midnight stroll when she chanced by them, although she didn't know that. They flung off the invisibility coat to stop her, but got tangled. She fell from the window, a goner.


End file.
